Today I had to go to a work meeting…
I already knew that I was going to have “one of those days” today.
I woke up with my anxiety at level 7 out of a possible 10 (10 being the worst I could ever feel).
I realize that I don’t care about any of the work stuff, I don’t care about the stupid useless reports we do to track sales, I don’t care about what we made last year and this years comparison means nothing. Its all the same BS we talked about at the last meeting and nothing has changed, nothing will change.
I begin to get ready for work. I have already organized my clothes the night before to minimize worrying about it on the day.
I start focusing on the meeting… The more I think about the meeting the more I think I can’t do it.
I can’t cope and I think a big part of me doesn’t want to cope because I don’t feel like this is where I am supposed to be in my life. I am sure that I was meant for something different and this just feels so wrong and like a waste of me…
I break my resolve to be brave and stay strong, I take a Benzo…
Forty minutes later: clothes, makeup – check! Ready to go. I can deal with this shit today.
I can do this meeting… now I really don’t care. The anxiety is far far away and nothing bothers me. Nothing bothers me right now, for a time.
Later on I will regret it. I feel like a weak person when I am so anxious that I have to medicate. I hate it and I hate the way it makes me feel – hazy and unfocused and slow.
Yes – relaxed, yes – calm. The busy input of the world around me doesn’t bother me at all – while it lasts.
I will regret that I took pharmaceutical drugs to help me be myself without fear. Essentially – that’s what it is… a way to be a version of myself that isn’t scared.
Much later I feel angry and irritated for no reason, everything bothers me.
Tonight I will sleep like death. Tomorrow I will feel like I haven’t slept for two days. Further into the week I will have issues with my short-term memory.
That’s what I get for medicating. That’s the price to feel free every now and then and not give an actual fuck….as opposed to how I normally feel with anxiety.
Anxiety makes me pour over every tiny detail and give a huge big fuck about everything and then worry about it for hours when I go to bed and then again first thing when I wake up. Its exhausting!
I sat at a long wooden table with 3 other staff members and the boss.
I am smiling, confident and charming. No-one notices anything different about me today.
Maybe I am saying more than I normally do, my input to the meeting is at an all time high. Good shit. Lets get this crap over with so I can leave the meeting and go back to actual work… oh joy.
Four hours later… finally, I am in the shop. Doing the old rinse and repeat. Living the dream. Time passes by quickly, that’ll be the benzos.
I think maybe next time – next meeting I mean, it’d be great to feel calm and relaxed without any “help”. I have one more tablet left and an appointment with my Doctor in a couple of days…
Don’t get me wrong, I am not an addict, 30 tablets can last me a year or more.
There are no meds that I feel I have to take every day and I don’t have an addictive personality. It really all depends what is going on in my life right at that moment.